You know how....

....sometimes you can have a bad week / month / year / moment?

And you know how sometimes when this happens you see something it could be a message from God /Buddah / Allah/ KIT from Knight Rider / Jehovah / Selasi that makes you realise that actually you're ok.


Well here's one that was sent by the the almighty last week when I was suffering a leeettle bit from PMT (you probably didn't notice I hide it so well)

Made me laugh anyway.............mankini's really is there anyting worse?

Enya....

.....genius or complete shite?

No really I can't tell.

All I know is that she's got another bloody album release called Ameretti Biscuit or something.

As far as I can see she simply re arranges the track order and releases the same 12 droaning banshyee on ketamine 'songs'

Is she the Andrew Ridley of dinner party music? Ridley was, after all, the ultimate pop-star...couldn't play a note and had no talent, he simply jumped around looking good (look it was the 80's 'flicks' perma-tan and pastel clothing was a good look) made a mint then buggered off to the land of King Arthur with a third of Bananarama.

I didn't mean that last line to rhyme.


Time to head off and play a friday night game of ebay...........

My iPod ....

.....sucks cock in hell.....my car is the son of a crack-whore....my bank balance is as full as an Ethiopians picnic hamper........my flat is as warm and welcoming as Margret Thatchers cunt.



I'm having a bad week. Can you tell? Oh yes and my friend called me yesterday to tell me her mothers husband has killed himself.


Arsewank.

I'm on my way out to buy lots of cakes I'm then gonna return home get into bed read and eat them. If I encounter one person who says

"Cheer up it might never happen"

or

"You look like you lost a tenner and found a quid"

or

"Think of those people worse off than you"


I shall stab them in the eye with a bath sponge (i'm not really very good at violence)


Have a nice day everyone....................

I'm worried...

...about The Son.

He has 'discovered' Little Britain and finds it hilarious. As I sit here typing and waiting for our supper of steak pie and mash to cook he is stood in the middle of the sitting room hand on hip announcing "I am the only gay in the village..." Is he trying to tell me something? Is he the only gay in the village?



Who knows, I fear he is going through a bit of a strange faze at the moment we spent the whole walk home from school with him asking what the best method was for contacting spirits. He has decided that mediation is probably best and is now sat crossed legged in the middle of the sitting room with a candle in front of him. He did just ask how he will know when they have contacted him. Er....a polite cough? A gentle tap on the shoulder?



I cant wait for the teenage years when the hormones really kick in........

I've had...

...bird flu.

No really, it wasn't just flu it was bird flu and it was baaaaad. I have to say it was bird flu 'cause then that would make it a three.... A three? Yes so far this year I have had Bells Palsy (soooo not a good look for a woman) then whilst I had that I broke my leg. So I ended up hobbling around on cruches with half my face hanging around my chin.

All people could say to me was "well you know they come in three's" Piss off arsewanks.

I missed the Brighton 10k run, yes I am still running. But having spent a week in bed I decided to do a 5k last sunday (nike run london one). Did it in 32 minutes and 14 seconds.

Man I'm like a.....a......what am I like? Oh yeah I know I'm like a fucking fucktard because I've just entered the Flora 1/2 marathon in March. Why did I enter it? Dunno really I think because I got board playing on ebay.

Right I'm off to make sausage and mash with onion gravy, followed by rhubarb crumble.

I might need an electric wheelchair for the 1/2 marathon..............

It’s Art innit?

I’ve had a friend visiting this weekend up from Somerset…….yes the temptation is there to sing I’ve got a brand new combine harvester…………but we don’t…she’s originally from Yorkshire…..but interestingly she doesn’t own a flat cap…hmmm

I digress

Yesterday we decided to go up to South Bank arguably the best spot in London for a wee Saturday afternoon walk and ended up at the Tate Modern. Nice bit of art on a Saturday afternoon……bit of culcha and all that.

WTF people can literally get away with anything in the name of art….I love the explanations next to each piece…..

Artist: Boris Fuckyouover, Title: explorations of the mind…….er….hang on……..no it’s not it’s two plastic brains one of which has a hammer sticking out of it………..

Artist: Jemima Puddleduck, Title: embankment……..no it’s 4000 white plastic boxes piled up that look like a factory warehouse….twats………

As for Pablo Fucking Picasso……………no really………….Title: Woman with necklace crying……………..yes she’s crying because she’s seen the fucking painting you’ve done of her…..what you cant draw curves? Do you really have to do every painting with a ruler and set-square? Twat. I hate Picasso………….but it appears I am the only one, for sat on the floor in front of each one with HUGE sheets of paper and some crayola crayons was some unwashed, multi-coloured scarf wearing, knit your own sandals, arse lovingly copying his ‘master piece’.

I swear it was like the Emperors New Clothes with some of it…… men with corduroy jackets and stroking their little beards ‘hmming’ and talking to grey haired, flowing skirts women about the depth of the ‘installations’ Twats.

I quite enjoyed sitting out on the Balcony on the 2nd floor having a fag and looking out at night time London though…………...that’s art innit?

In The Industry I Now....

.....work in people have what's known as 'breakthroughs' or 'moments of clarity' well as I sit here I too have just had one.

I have realized just how lazy.....no no no....just how energy efficient I can be.

There's a load going round in the tumble dryer that have been washed and dried three times.

Is this because of my 'super woman' complex?.....noooooooo

Is this because I have some sort of out of proportion / OCD disorder relating to germs?....noooooo

Is this because the whites were just not white enough?.....nooooo

Nope, none of the above. It's because I keep forgetting to take the clothes out of the dryer and so they sit in there and get creased to fuck, so what do I do? I put them back into the washing machine then dry them JUST so I don't have to do any ironing.

And the winner of this year Domestic Goddess Award goes to........................

Who is....

...rachel? Hmm? Who is she?

Well I don't know either, but I have had a piece of paper with 'Rachel' and a telephone number sitting on my kitchen table for about 6 months.

Every now and then I raise my right fist into the air with a defiant cry of "I shall reclaim my kitchen table" so I clear the piles of 'to be dealt with' mail (when I say clear I mean put them into a pile next to the p.c. in another room)..........

........... I gather up the ever increasing pile of 'waiting to be paired' socks (yeah I gather them up and throw them away because I'm sick of waiting for the others to appear)............

.............I show no mercy to Action Man nor Dr X as I fearlessly snatch them up (mid-battle) and throw them into the Son's bedroom.........

....and there it is...the note......in my hand writing with the name 'Rachel' and a sodding telephone number.......


Do I throw it away? No


Do I 141 and call it? That would be too easy


No, instead what I do is say (to anyone or no-one) Who the hell is Rachel? Then I place it back on the table , under the fruit bowl, and leave it to put a bit of excitement into my life another day.



I had a life once.................

The Sharks Were Circling Beneath…….

…what a marvellous weekend. My mates wedding…..it was fantastic

People there I hadn’t seen for years, and whose names I could not remember …..everyone looking terribly grown up….the bride and groom entered the room together to the Jaws theme tune, there were sharks circling in the water, the BBC was there…..the local press was there……………screech……rewind…..

Sharks? BBC? Jaws theme tune? Local Press?

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

So my friends got married on a bridge over a shark tank in Brighton’s Sea Life Centre. It was very very cool. The BBC was there as they are making a documentary on alternative weddings…or something like that. The local press were there…..well I guess because it’s not everyday a couple get married in Brighton over the shark tank….in fact they were the first one’s to do it.

They had asked me to do a reading at their wedding as I had introduced them to each other….yeah! I thought. I’m fine with public speaking I was both honoured and thrilled to be asked. What they forgot to mention was that it was to be part of the wedding ceremony, not at the reception along with all the other speeches.

And so it was that I found myself on Saturday afternoon standing on a bridge, the sharks circling beneath me, trying not to cry (having blubbed my way through the preceding part of the ceremony) reading I’ll Be There by Louise Cuddon. It was wonderful.

The wedding reception was quite conventional, there were elderly relatives being fed foreign food (pasta) little girls looking pretty, the Son sucking helium out of every balloon he could find then filling the balloons with water and chasing the little girls with them……..there was Cinderella moment when all of the women’s 4 inch killer heels turned into trainers, the kilt wearing BF being asked if he was a true Scotsman – he is, the BF telling the kids that his Sporran was made out of kittens – it isn’t….and so on.

All in all a fabulous weekend…..

Cilla is here...

...to celebrate the fact that two of my mates (introduced to each other by Me) are getting married next Saturday I have decided to see if I cant do a little more matchmaking.

Please apply to date on of my lovely bitches.....Ooops...sorry I mean little minxes via email...

On the right we have the lovely Arabella.

Stats are 48dd -45-52

She describes herself as 'homely' and 'quite shy'. She is looking for someone to spend weekends 'fell walking' and curling with. Her hobbies include 'homecrafts' I think she has put her crafts to good use with this modest little number dont you boys?

Next we have Elizabeth. She describes herself as 'fertile' and prone to binges on guerkins.

Ha ha ha...we can also see she has a wonderful sense of humour.

Her stats are 28-38-28

Elizabeth enjoys the finer things in life like 'wimpy' and shopping for deli treats at Aldi or Lidl

So what are you lonely hearts out there waiting for...get in touch and maybe I'll be making more rip roaring speeches at your wedding. As Cilla says "I've got me 'at"

Fuck......I need to get out more........

Rosa Parks...

....died this week. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/25/national/25parks.html?ex=1145851200&en=4b6bd4603f35dfef&ei=5087&excamp=GGGNrosaparks

I'm sure loads of you will be saying "Who?"

The thing is I thought she'd died years ago....and that makes me feel crap. Why?

I've never been one for great political /moral/religious beliefs.....I quite enjoy the fact that I'm just too lazy to be a fundamentalist.......or an activist. Oh sure I joined all the clubs when I was at Uni.....I even signed up for the black panthers once at a festival.....but I only ever joined anything to meet guys. No really I am that shallow.


Would I have done what Rosa did? Doubt it.

There is always this fine line with racism.....I am half caste/mixed race/bi-racial and it's only with black people that I have had to justify my 'blackness'.....and that pisses me off. Newsflash I grew up listening to Mozart as well as Marley....I'm never questioned about my 'whiteness' by white people. Although the 70's were a blast for unsolicited 'wog' jibes.

It's now ok for black stand comedians to make jokes about white people and yet if a white person makes a black joke they're a Nazi......er.....no.......either everyone can do it (which is so much funnier) or nobody can....



....except me....cause I'm both.......


So there was an Englishman, a Jamaican man and a..............

Our top story

Something keeps on beeping in my flat. I don't know what nor where it is. It has happened three times this morning.

Our other news.......

I found a ladybird in my bath last night. There I was halfway through shaving my leg and it was there bold as brass. Well as bold as a dead ladybird can be.

And finally......

It's national bulb planting day (in my house). Yes those daffodil bulbs that have been sat on top of the tumble dryer for the last 6 weeks will today be re-housed in 'window boxes' They will be replacing the (long) dead summer arrangements that now look like crud.

Thank you for your time. And now it's over to you with the weather where you are........

I hate shopping...

.....with a passion. I'm just not that type of girl.

My idea of hell is spending an entire Saturday or Sunday stomping round Buchanan galleries or the Whitgift centre (i spend my life flitting between south London and Glasgow). Gads! How is that fun? Eh?

My sister has five.....count em...five wardrobes full of stuff....hand bags...shoes....stuff.....just stuff...in a fucking dressing room......who the fuck has a dressing room? Like I said I'm not that sort of girl.

I would rather be sat in a pub watching the F1 qualifying. Yes I love F1. A lot. I love fast cars and big bikes.............a lot.


But today I had to go to the shops.....Croydon (Crud-den) not only that I had to go to 'Poundland'. (getting stuff for the Son for Halloween) I deserve a fucking medal.

Christ-on-a-fucking-bike. It was shite. I've never seen so much gold jewelery, nor seen so many scabs on kids, ever. I actually heard a mom calling out "Wayne" to her little market track suit attired, cubic zirconia earring wearing, lambert and butler smoking, asbo awarded offspring.

As I queued up to pay (cash only) I read the list of 'safety recalled' products......all electrical items.


Why bother?

Darwin was right

Babycham

Am I missing out? Can you still get it? Is is good? Perhaps I should have stuck to that last night. Or maybe ordered sherry instead of the 200 bottles of asbo I managed to consume

I wonder why my neck aches; I do remember dancing to ‘boogie wonderland’ (I had requested it – the wife beater had kicked in)

I wonder if the cab driver (62 years old Jamaican who looked very good for his age – I guess they’re right black don’t crack) found his way home having been left with me as the final drop off person

I wonder how many comments I left on random peoples blog’s at 3.30 this morning

I wonder if any of them made sense

I wonder when I will stop feeling so very ill

I wonder if I’ve got avian flu

I wonder if my toast is done

I’m off to bed now at 9.30 on a Saturday night

I wonder why I am so rock and roll

……and delusional

Palatial Home...

.....like the ones you see in 'Hello' or 'Ok', you know C-list girl (mattress - see: model actress) get's engaged to Z-list boy ('professional footballer for Penge United) and here they are relaxing in their palatial home.

Well my flat is not a bit like that. It is a total renovation job, from roof to split & suspiciously stained floorboards. It does have original sash windows - ooh lovely - the glass is held in by a combination of 100 year old paint and prayer, the putty gave up the ghost long ago.

My kitchen consist of a row of white good and some mdf shelves I put into the alcove. No cupboards, no worksurface.

The bathroom.......oh god lets not even go there.

I have painted most of it white for that minimal, sleek, contemporary look. Yeah nice try.

The sitting room now has trainer foot prints about six feet up the wall where I was trying to teach the Son how to do handstands last night, it was either that or play Top Trumps and I wasn't in the mood.

Why am I tell you this? God knows. I want my home to be palatial, and welcoming and relaxing. Instead the garden is full of my eBay buys (bath, Belfast sink, interior doors) all waiting for installation, and everywhere I look all I can see is money to be spent. Money that I don't have.

Who are these people that go on programmes like Location Location & Grand Designs?

"Yes we only have a budget of £450,000, but could go up to £500k if we fell in love with something" Piss off. Five grand and my flat would be done!

I wonder what a kidney is worth on the black market these days?

It is clear...

...that whilst I slept last night someone drugged me then proceeded to beat the living shit out of me using a space-age tool that leaves no bruising on the outside of my body and Class A devistation internally. An octogenerian / three toe sloth hybrid could make faster progress than me when attempting to perform even the most basic daily tasks.

Tonight I shall sleep with one eye open.......

Later That Day

.....I did it....I did it.....I did it.

It was fan-fucking-tastic....a sea of red nike t-shirts standing around Victoria Park at 10 o'clock on a Sunday morning....me munching on a bacon roll 45 minutes before the start......me then dragging as hard as I could on a marlboro light as they called us into the 'Athletes Village' for our warm up. (I didn't finish the fag though, come on what do you take me for)

Sir Seb Coe came down to 'blow the horn' that started us all.

And before you knew it we were off.

I ran the first 2k non stop then walked 250 metres then ran the next 5k (non-stop!!!!) then walked 750 metres between 7k and 8k, then ran all the way to the finish line. Metallica 'hanger 18' got me through the last 1k as fast as my aching legs/ankles/knees/thighs etc etc would carry me.

Whats that you say? My time?


1 hour 12 minutes and 31 seconds!!!!

I'm so happy I'm so happy...I'm still wearing my medal....off to have another bath now......then over to Papa's for his birthday....then back to the airport to drop BF off.......Oh my international jet set life.

Fee diddle de dee an athletes life for me......

It's 07.52

....on Sunday October 16th.

Today is the day.

I have, in fact, been awake since ten to 7 this morning. Those who know me know that I do have a tendancy to wake up early and annoy the crap out of eveyone anyway.

I'm nervous. The 10k starts at 11.30 am this morning.

I've had my healthy breakfast, beans on toast. I made it myself because although the BF had said he would make it when I asked if I was still getting breakfast this morning he said "yes" then rolled over and went back to sleep. Thanks for that.

He is after all one of those who will do anything for anyone as long as it's on his terms and not the terms that they may need or want. One of his great sayings is "when people ask me to do something, they can tell me when to do it or how to do it but not both"

Go figure.

I'm off to get in the bath..............wish me luck...with the run not the bath.

Glowing.....

.....like a pig.

Just got back from my morning run....and yes the glow is pissing out of me........today I ran faster and harder than I have before. I am shagged.

It's fairly hilly where I live to every run starts with an up-hill, down-hill, up-hill, down-hill before I can get to a flat bit.

Today I took on my nemisis....Blythe Hill....the hill I have been avoiding for the last 8 weeks........not today.....Oh no....today I thought....you are mine....I was in the zone. "Push your self woman, come on push" With my killer determination I decided to "just run to the cross roads"(about half way - look, in my world half way is good ok?)......I passed the cross roadswithout passing out so I thought well I'll just run to the skip at the top of the hill.

I should point out that in London we have our own measurements as follows. From one skip to another is approx 100 yards, the 50 yard mark is a fridge outside someone's gate and the 25 yard mark is a mattress.

Anyway I took on the hill and won, granted I ran like an octogenarian before her hip replacement but the fact remains Blyth Hill is my bitch.....

Cue "Eye of the Tiger"........

Why is it...

...that the numbers on a phone pad go from top to bottom and on a calculator or keyboard they go from bottom to top?

No, I really want to know. This is not me trying to be funny..........................



this is.......................

Bush is sitting in the oval office with some of his advisors, a minion enters the room

"Mr President, I'm affraid we have lost 2 Brazilion soldiers"

Bush slumps in his seat and puts his head in his hands saying "No no no no"

Everyone in the room is disturbed to say the least at the Presidents apparent over reaction to this news.

Bush looks up and says

"How many is a brazillion again?"


Made me laugh........

Panic begins.....

...Oh god the panic has set in for this sunday...the 10k that seemed such a good idea 8 weeks ago.

I had a very weird experience on last Saturday's practive run around Clapham Common...as usual I was the last one coming in from my group and one of the 'coaches' came back to get me through the last 100 metres.

A little Japanese woman about 5foot tall looked about 22 or 23 years old. She came running towards me smiling her little head off looking all 'hello kitty'......

The she suddenly turns all Godzilla on me and starts screaming

"GET THOSE LEGS UP, COME ON UP UP UP..."

I nearly fell over, what the fuck? Oh but there was more...

"PUMP THOSE ARMS, YOU'RE NOT PUMPING THEM!! PUMP THEM FASTER FASTER FASTER..."

I lifted 'those' legs up and pumped 'those' arms as fast as I could not so much running as fast as I could more trying to run the fuck away from her. She scared the living shit out of me and that's not easy (unless you are a spider, monster or wherewolf)

I crossed the finish line and there she was grinning away at me like butter wouldn't melt. I, on the other hand, started reching as it appeared one of the Alien babies was trying to make a hasty exit from my stomach.


Maybe I imaginied it, maybe that was my inner voice pushing me to the limit.....



.......nah! it was definitely a schizo, psycho Japanese lady.

What's happened to My blog?

Why has all the stuff slipped down on the right hand side?

Who did this?

Where are they?

Why are the link's at the very bottom of the page?????

Huh? Huh?

Come on answer me!!!

Update.....

I just got a call from the council.....they fired one of the binmen (shouty one) as he showed no remorse.

The others have said they are sorry, wise move. At least their kids wont be getting string and pebbles for Christmas

I have said that they may come around next wednesday and say sorry in person. Council man said ok then.

Yeah.......

What in God's name are the chances???

So you may remember that I said I dont, I mean really dont like my tutor.

Now I had thought I had seen her before, but then people always ask where they know me from, so I figured it's prob the same with her.

No

No

No No No No No

Turns out I did recognise her. She is my fucking neighbour!!!!!!!!!!!!! You couldn't have made this up, no way no how.

There I was walking down my hallway looked out of window (yes the same one I saw the refuse truck hit my car through) and I thought.....that woman walking along the road looks like She Devil......no, it's the nice lady who lives in the downstairs flat in the house opposite mine.....no it really does look like She Devil.

I called the girl who lives above her

Me: "What's the name of the woman who lives downstairs from you"
Nice Girl "Er...it's something foreign sounding.."
Me: "Is it *********"
NG: "Yes, that's it. Why?"
Me: "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

I live on an end of terrace house at a nice suburban quiet cross roads; she lives on the other side. We both have big sash windows running all the way along the side of our houses facing each other.

I've decided to keep my shutters closed and make out the Son has developed that disease that means you cant be exposed to sunlight.....................

........I'm off to soak some bandages..................

I went.....

....and bought the Toffo's...................they is gooooood.

You see....

I wanted Toffo's, and I could have got them. They sell them in the shop at the end of my road. But I didn't.

Instead

I have advocado, mozarella and buffelo tomotes with garlic salt and white balsamic vinegar.

I'm like a supermodel me.

Well actually I'm like half-a-dozen supermodel's gaffa taped together.

Craving Toffo's

Have just come back from a run.......I'm getting quite good at this actually, although I start each run with

"Oh god don't want to do this don't want to do this want to go back to bed and watch Phil and fern and eat cakes"

By 15 minutes into it I am feeling very happy...............I think the fact that I was playing hardcore trance and jungle on the iPod (yes I used to have a very different life) made all the difference.

The fact is I used to be able to dance till 6 in the morning and beyond to this music and not notice, now I fun for and hour and then come home spark up a malboro and 'cool down' in front of the p.c. reading blogs and buying shite from eBay.

So I have two problems (yes just two)

Firstly, I would be grateful for any smart comments provided for me to hurl back the the growing number of men who think I want to hear their comments when I run past. "Piss off cunt" is getting a bit tired.

Secondly, I don't like my tutor. At all. She obviously doesn't like me. I've started a course to keep me going till I go back and do my Masters (once the Son is in secondary school in 2007). She does not like me questioning things during class; fair enough you may say, however the whole point of this course is to question each other and learn how to get someone to open up. Yet she wont do it.

She's not that bright and I did a bad thing yesterday. When someone is annoying the crap out of me I use words I know they will not understand (i.e. more than one syllable) Now I did this in class yesterday and her face went blank; it was obvious she didn't understand. I was just trying to clarify a piece of ambiguous work she had given us....anyway enough to say I challenged her or more than one thing and she did not like it. She wants us to take what she says as given.

Congruence

So what do I do? Do I play the game go along with being the type of student she thinks she can control thereby not being congruent to myself or do I drop out (never dropped out of anything before) and start the course again in January with another tutor (hopefully the one I had last year).

Any suggestions gratefully received.

Rude Awakening

Setting.......delicate feminine white bedroom, curtains gently swaying in the breeze (from the gaps in the sash windows), two lovers bodies entwined, lost in a dream world.

Soft focus camera pans across as the ageless and beautiful woman opens her eyes ready to greet the wonderful day Mother Nature has given us....unexplored....so full of possibilities....so serene

She elegantly slips out of bed, so as not to wake her sleeping companion. Her eyes fall on the bedside clock......................


"FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! It's a quarter to fucking nine!!!! Your flight was at 6.30 this morning!!!! Oh for fucking bollocking fuck sake! (for the ageless and beautiful woman has a mouth on her like a dockyard worker)

Rugged, skirt wearing BF "Och Christ, nothing I can do about it now" Turns over and goes back to his wonderful sleeping world of Haggis Hunting.

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells.....

Last night over romantic anniversay dinner conversation as follows...........................


Me: So what do you want for Christmas?
(look I'm self employed it's feast or famine - at the moment I've got some cash coming in!! I'm also a little anal about organization - so they say)

BF (looks up from cream of leek soup with a slightly perplexed expression): I dont know

Me: Well I've got to start looking

BF: Er......A dolphin

Me: Really? Well thats easy I can sponsor one, they have them in Edinburgh.

BF: No a real one that I can keep at home and and feed it treats and stroke it whenever I want.

Me: Honey that maybe a little difficult.

BF: Well, that's what I want. Oh and a Rolex 50th Anniversary Daytona.

Me: That's nearly 20 grand!!!!

BF: And a hot air balloon.

Me: A ride in one? Cool I'll look into it

BF: No I want one I can keep, maybe I'll take the dolphin up in it. It'll be fun

Me: Er.....

BF: And some mechano

Me: They dont make it anymore

BF: And an Evil Knievel Stunt Cycle.

Me: You're not taking this seriously are you?

BF: *grin's* and goes back to soup.

Paula Radcliffe? Pah!

Kelly Holmes? Pah! Denise Lewis? Pah!

Me? I'm like an iron woman I am. So........ contrary to popular belief I have actually been 'training' for this 10k run on October 16th.

I've just done a 53 minute run (not non-stop I'm not that good yet) I can actually see/feel myself improving. When I first started on the foolish folly 4 weeks ago I could just about manage the 1 minute walk 1 minute run for 20 minutes.

Now...now I can go for nearly an hour with about 80 % of that running!! I'm a very happy bunny. Can you tell?

I felt the burn, I avoided the dog-shit, I was in the zone......

*lights second marlboro light since getting back from run*

Where was I? Oh yeah I gave menacing eyebrow movements to men openly staring at my tit's. (You know just because I'm wearing sunglasses and you cant see my eyes, DOESN'T MEAN I CANT YOU YOURS YOU SODDING RETARDS!!)

So yes I am pleased.

Still scared about the actual run thing, I did a 5k practice thing around Clapham Common last Saturday it took me 40 minutes (I finished last), the trainer guy said I should be looking to do the 10k in about an hour.

An hour!!

Crikey.

Syphilitic Cocks

Oooh I thought, I need the loo...Wandered down hallway glanced out of window thought

"that refuse truck is never gonna get around that corner..."

I watched him reverse a little...drive forward a little.... Reverse a little... go.....well you get the picture. Obviously decides 'fuck it' and just drives forward strait into my fucking car!!!! Now I drive (eco-warriors stop reading now) an 11 year old long wheel base 4 x 4 it's very very heavy 2 1/2 tones. It rocked my car like it was a fucking smart car (sorry Norway Boy)

I went down to the front door and stood with it open watching them (Canon IXUS in hand ready to record), they all looked at me as though nothing had happened and went to carry on driving



Me to Old Dirty Binman: Were you even going to stop

ODB (not making eye contact): Isss an obstruction innit?

Me: What?? You mean you had no intention of saying anything?

ODB: says nothing looks at driver as if hoping to make me disappear (I don't)


Younger Dirty Binman to Me: What?

Me: I bed your pardon

YDB (shouting): DO YOU KNOW THE ROAD RULES? (he says this whilst pointing at the road - presumably to avoid any misinterpretation)

Me: Sorry?

YDB (STILL SHOUTING): DO YOU KNOW THE ROAD RULES?

Look you get the picture, the driver refuses to get out of vehicle or even look at me, the binmen in the back of the cab pretend nothing has happened. All refuse to look at me.


Driver eventually leans out of cab still refusing to look at me (or camera yes I filmed exchange)and hands me a bit of paper saying "the council have big insurance" and they drive off.

ASSHOLES,

SCUM SUCKING, LOW-LIFE, SMELLY, BIN RUMMAGING,

SYPHILITIC COCKS

I hope they burn in hell or better still loose their jobs develop agraphobia, male pattern baldness, impotence, gout and drink problems and come home one day to find their wives have taken the kids and run off with nice polite education rich men.......no fuck it I hope they burn in hell.

It's that Simple Then?

Turn's out......


"Yeah yeah I can see why that is luv. You got no pressure. All you gotta do is turn these two knobs and release some of the air. That's always gonna 'appen when you first get a new boiler in, didn't they tell ya that?"

No they bloody buggery didn't.


I've got hot water....it's a miracle I tell you...praise the lord/buddah/jehovis/whoever.


I'm gonna have a bath and everything...................

Die Die Die

Having forked out approx 8 million quid for a new boiler last Thursday

And having done my best to ignore the Son's "what does that mean look" after being told by boiler fitter No1 (ruddy face - tea - 3 sugars - milk - is it alright to smoke in here) "It's the dogs this one luv"

And having driven down to Slatters (best bakery in the world) to buy truck load of cakes like a bulimic on a binge

And having done my best to act like I've gota 7foot tall boyfriend nutter boyfriend should they try any funny business

And having laughed at all their fnar fnar fucking jokes

We woke up yesterday with no fucking hot water!!!!!

Bastards, so now here I am waiting....yeah yeah I know and blogging...for them to come and sort it out. Slags.

So I took the Son swimming after school......you see? Bonding and hygene all rolled into one.

Read it and weep Boiler Boys.

Etiquette.......

What are the rules of blogging?

I mean, I recently introduced a friend of mine to blogging and he's good. A bit like in real life.

The thing is I love what he's writting, it's funny and I want to comment; but how do you comment without it sounding cheesy? Is it naff to make personal references?

Everyone likes to see they have a comment right? Or do most of us do this as part of a cathartic excercise (should that be exorcise) to save on our shrink's bill?

With all the other interesting blogs I come across 9 times out of 10 I will comment.....and yet I cant with this one.

Answers on a postcard

Dear Points of View

Why is it in films that people always go to bed with the curtains open?


Mrs Curious
Newport Pagnal

Feel The Burn

I''ve entered the "10k London run on a Sunday morning during the piddling down rain in October" thingy-whatsit.

It was an accident.

I am finally going to get fit again I thought. So there I was having a wee nosey on the internet, fag in one hand bottle of Becks in the other, trying and find a website...well any website that would suddenly propel me into full-on motivated fitness freak woman. Turns out there isn't one. But there was the aforementioned 10k thing.

I got carried away....dazzled by the lovely colours and cartoon figures on the website; before I knew it I had handed over £32 in exchange for a T-shirt. I ordered in a medium under the misguided impression that "well in 6 weeks what with all the training I shall be doing it's bound to fit isn't it?"

No.

It wont.

Even if I were to embark on a Lena Zavaroni type calorie intake it would not fit.

I also got a "6 week countdown training schedule" enough said

Go on then name a song.......

So I got an iPod for my birthday from the BF...fantastic..I have wanted one for....well for at least 6 months. I can listen to my music everywhere I want to now on the way to work (er...I work from home) at the gym (er......well the membership kinda ran out 2 years ago) whilst rollerblading around Central Park (except I live in South London). You know everywhere.

The BF already had his and with some juggery pokery added his collection of God-Awful music to mine to keep me going until my p.c. was feeling better (the p.c. illness a long long story). The thing is, he and his best fiend had already been through this process with the best friends music collection. So here I am with a 60Gb iPod the 5k++ tunes on none of which I would choose to listen to even if both my eardrums spontaneously burst into flames. Celine Dion, Janet Jackson and Aqua's ENTIRE back catalogue are just a few names that I've come across so far. If I had lost the iPod at that point I would deny ownership should anyone attempted to hand it back.

But my p.c is now back from the p.c. rehab and so I begin the arduous task of adding My wonderful music collection.......except I've got over 400 cd's and I am board already. Importing.... star rating....genre......playlist.............aaaargggggggggghhhhhhh. The BF says it's a great way to back-up your cd collection. Back-up? What in case there's a nuclear holocaust and the cockroaches demand a digitally remastered version of Sex Pistols "Anarchy In The UK" as their call to arms anthem?

I think not baby-puppy.

What it does mean is that I can box up all my cd's and put them in the loft thus freeing up space on my bookshelves so that son-and-heir can put his collection of Horrid Henry, Dr. Suess & Mr. Men along side my Simone De Bouviour, Carl Rogers & Jane Green.

Oh well I guess I'd better add just one more cd before I go to bed........ah good we're up to the "M's"...........................