What in God's name are the chances???

So you may remember that I said I dont, I mean really dont like my tutor.

Now I had thought I had seen her before, but then people always ask where they know me from, so I figured it's prob the same with her.

No

No

No No No No No

Turns out I did recognise her. She is my fucking neighbour!!!!!!!!!!!!! You couldn't have made this up, no way no how.

There I was walking down my hallway looked out of window (yes the same one I saw the refuse truck hit my car through) and I thought.....that woman walking along the road looks like She Devil......no, it's the nice lady who lives in the downstairs flat in the house opposite mine.....no it really does look like She Devil.

I called the girl who lives above her

Me: "What's the name of the woman who lives downstairs from you"
Nice Girl "Er...it's something foreign sounding.."
Me: "Is it *********"
NG: "Yes, that's it. Why?"
Me: "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

I live on an end of terrace house at a nice suburban quiet cross roads; she lives on the other side. We both have big sash windows running all the way along the side of our houses facing each other.

I've decided to keep my shutters closed and make out the Son has developed that disease that means you cant be exposed to sunlight.....................

........I'm off to soak some bandages..................

I went.....

....and bought the Toffo's...................they is gooooood.

You see....

I wanted Toffo's, and I could have got them. They sell them in the shop at the end of my road. But I didn't.

Instead

I have advocado, mozarella and buffelo tomotes with garlic salt and white balsamic vinegar.

I'm like a supermodel me.

Well actually I'm like half-a-dozen supermodel's gaffa taped together.

Craving Toffo's

Have just come back from a run.......I'm getting quite good at this actually, although I start each run with

"Oh god don't want to do this don't want to do this want to go back to bed and watch Phil and fern and eat cakes"

By 15 minutes into it I am feeling very happy...............I think the fact that I was playing hardcore trance and jungle on the iPod (yes I used to have a very different life) made all the difference.

The fact is I used to be able to dance till 6 in the morning and beyond to this music and not notice, now I fun for and hour and then come home spark up a malboro and 'cool down' in front of the p.c. reading blogs and buying shite from eBay.

So I have two problems (yes just two)

Firstly, I would be grateful for any smart comments provided for me to hurl back the the growing number of men who think I want to hear their comments when I run past. "Piss off cunt" is getting a bit tired.

Secondly, I don't like my tutor. At all. She obviously doesn't like me. I've started a course to keep me going till I go back and do my Masters (once the Son is in secondary school in 2007). She does not like me questioning things during class; fair enough you may say, however the whole point of this course is to question each other and learn how to get someone to open up. Yet she wont do it.

She's not that bright and I did a bad thing yesterday. When someone is annoying the crap out of me I use words I know they will not understand (i.e. more than one syllable) Now I did this in class yesterday and her face went blank; it was obvious she didn't understand. I was just trying to clarify a piece of ambiguous work she had given us....anyway enough to say I challenged her or more than one thing and she did not like it. She wants us to take what she says as given.

Congruence

So what do I do? Do I play the game go along with being the type of student she thinks she can control thereby not being congruent to myself or do I drop out (never dropped out of anything before) and start the course again in January with another tutor (hopefully the one I had last year).

Any suggestions gratefully received.

Rude Awakening

Setting.......delicate feminine white bedroom, curtains gently swaying in the breeze (from the gaps in the sash windows), two lovers bodies entwined, lost in a dream world.

Soft focus camera pans across as the ageless and beautiful woman opens her eyes ready to greet the wonderful day Mother Nature has given us....unexplored....so full of possibilities....so serene

She elegantly slips out of bed, so as not to wake her sleeping companion. Her eyes fall on the bedside clock......................


"FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! It's a quarter to fucking nine!!!! Your flight was at 6.30 this morning!!!! Oh for fucking bollocking fuck sake! (for the ageless and beautiful woman has a mouth on her like a dockyard worker)

Rugged, skirt wearing BF "Och Christ, nothing I can do about it now" Turns over and goes back to his wonderful sleeping world of Haggis Hunting.

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells.....

Last night over romantic anniversay dinner conversation as follows...........................


Me: So what do you want for Christmas?
(look I'm self employed it's feast or famine - at the moment I've got some cash coming in!! I'm also a little anal about organization - so they say)

BF (looks up from cream of leek soup with a slightly perplexed expression): I dont know

Me: Well I've got to start looking

BF: Er......A dolphin

Me: Really? Well thats easy I can sponsor one, they have them in Edinburgh.

BF: No a real one that I can keep at home and and feed it treats and stroke it whenever I want.

Me: Honey that maybe a little difficult.

BF: Well, that's what I want. Oh and a Rolex 50th Anniversary Daytona.

Me: That's nearly 20 grand!!!!

BF: And a hot air balloon.

Me: A ride in one? Cool I'll look into it

BF: No I want one I can keep, maybe I'll take the dolphin up in it. It'll be fun

Me: Er.....

BF: And some mechano

Me: They dont make it anymore

BF: And an Evil Knievel Stunt Cycle.

Me: You're not taking this seriously are you?

BF: *grin's* and goes back to soup.

Paula Radcliffe? Pah!

Kelly Holmes? Pah! Denise Lewis? Pah!

Me? I'm like an iron woman I am. So........ contrary to popular belief I have actually been 'training' for this 10k run on October 16th.

I've just done a 53 minute run (not non-stop I'm not that good yet) I can actually see/feel myself improving. When I first started on the foolish folly 4 weeks ago I could just about manage the 1 minute walk 1 minute run for 20 minutes.

Now...now I can go for nearly an hour with about 80 % of that running!! I'm a very happy bunny. Can you tell?

I felt the burn, I avoided the dog-shit, I was in the zone......

*lights second marlboro light since getting back from run*

Where was I? Oh yeah I gave menacing eyebrow movements to men openly staring at my tit's. (You know just because I'm wearing sunglasses and you cant see my eyes, DOESN'T MEAN I CANT YOU YOURS YOU SODDING RETARDS!!)

So yes I am pleased.

Still scared about the actual run thing, I did a 5k practice thing around Clapham Common last Saturday it took me 40 minutes (I finished last), the trainer guy said I should be looking to do the 10k in about an hour.

An hour!!

Crikey.

Syphilitic Cocks

Oooh I thought, I need the loo...Wandered down hallway glanced out of window thought

"that refuse truck is never gonna get around that corner..."

I watched him reverse a little...drive forward a little.... Reverse a little... go.....well you get the picture. Obviously decides 'fuck it' and just drives forward strait into my fucking car!!!! Now I drive (eco-warriors stop reading now) an 11 year old long wheel base 4 x 4 it's very very heavy 2 1/2 tones. It rocked my car like it was a fucking smart car (sorry Norway Boy)

I went down to the front door and stood with it open watching them (Canon IXUS in hand ready to record), they all looked at me as though nothing had happened and went to carry on driving



Me to Old Dirty Binman: Were you even going to stop

ODB (not making eye contact): Isss an obstruction innit?

Me: What?? You mean you had no intention of saying anything?

ODB: says nothing looks at driver as if hoping to make me disappear (I don't)


Younger Dirty Binman to Me: What?

Me: I bed your pardon

YDB (shouting): DO YOU KNOW THE ROAD RULES? (he says this whilst pointing at the road - presumably to avoid any misinterpretation)

Me: Sorry?

YDB (STILL SHOUTING): DO YOU KNOW THE ROAD RULES?

Look you get the picture, the driver refuses to get out of vehicle or even look at me, the binmen in the back of the cab pretend nothing has happened. All refuse to look at me.


Driver eventually leans out of cab still refusing to look at me (or camera yes I filmed exchange)and hands me a bit of paper saying "the council have big insurance" and they drive off.

ASSHOLES,

SCUM SUCKING, LOW-LIFE, SMELLY, BIN RUMMAGING,

SYPHILITIC COCKS

I hope they burn in hell or better still loose their jobs develop agraphobia, male pattern baldness, impotence, gout and drink problems and come home one day to find their wives have taken the kids and run off with nice polite education rich men.......no fuck it I hope they burn in hell.

It's that Simple Then?

Turn's out......


"Yeah yeah I can see why that is luv. You got no pressure. All you gotta do is turn these two knobs and release some of the air. That's always gonna 'appen when you first get a new boiler in, didn't they tell ya that?"

No they bloody buggery didn't.


I've got hot water....it's a miracle I tell you...praise the lord/buddah/jehovis/whoever.


I'm gonna have a bath and everything...................

Die Die Die

Having forked out approx 8 million quid for a new boiler last Thursday

And having done my best to ignore the Son's "what does that mean look" after being told by boiler fitter No1 (ruddy face - tea - 3 sugars - milk - is it alright to smoke in here) "It's the dogs this one luv"

And having driven down to Slatters (best bakery in the world) to buy truck load of cakes like a bulimic on a binge

And having done my best to act like I've gota 7foot tall boyfriend nutter boyfriend should they try any funny business

And having laughed at all their fnar fnar fucking jokes

We woke up yesterday with no fucking hot water!!!!!

Bastards, so now here I am waiting....yeah yeah I know and blogging...for them to come and sort it out. Slags.

So I took the Son swimming after school......you see? Bonding and hygene all rolled into one.

Read it and weep Boiler Boys.

Etiquette.......

What are the rules of blogging?

I mean, I recently introduced a friend of mine to blogging and he's good. A bit like in real life.

The thing is I love what he's writting, it's funny and I want to comment; but how do you comment without it sounding cheesy? Is it naff to make personal references?

Everyone likes to see they have a comment right? Or do most of us do this as part of a cathartic excercise (should that be exorcise) to save on our shrink's bill?

With all the other interesting blogs I come across 9 times out of 10 I will comment.....and yet I cant with this one.

Answers on a postcard

Dear Points of View

Why is it in films that people always go to bed with the curtains open?


Mrs Curious
Newport Pagnal

Feel The Burn

I''ve entered the "10k London run on a Sunday morning during the piddling down rain in October" thingy-whatsit.

It was an accident.

I am finally going to get fit again I thought. So there I was having a wee nosey on the internet, fag in one hand bottle of Becks in the other, trying and find a website...well any website that would suddenly propel me into full-on motivated fitness freak woman. Turns out there isn't one. But there was the aforementioned 10k thing.

I got carried away....dazzled by the lovely colours and cartoon figures on the website; before I knew it I had handed over £32 in exchange for a T-shirt. I ordered in a medium under the misguided impression that "well in 6 weeks what with all the training I shall be doing it's bound to fit isn't it?"

No.

It wont.

Even if I were to embark on a Lena Zavaroni type calorie intake it would not fit.

I also got a "6 week countdown training schedule" enough said