.....like the ones you see in 'Hello' or 'Ok', you know C-list girl (mattress - see: model actress) get's engaged to Z-list boy ('professional footballer for Penge United) and here they are relaxing in their palatial home.
Well my flat is not a bit like that. It is a total renovation job, from roof to split & suspiciously stained floorboards. It does have original sash windows - ooh lovely - the glass is held in by a combination of 100 year old paint and prayer, the putty gave up the ghost long ago.
My kitchen consist of a row of white good and some mdf shelves I put into the alcove. No cupboards, no worksurface.
The bathroom.......oh god lets not even go there.
I have painted most of it white for that minimal, sleek, contemporary look. Yeah nice try.
The sitting room now has trainer foot prints about six feet up the wall where I was trying to teach the Son how to do handstands last night, it was either that or play Top Trumps and I wasn't in the mood.
Why am I tell you this? God knows. I want my home to be palatial, and welcoming and relaxing. Instead the garden is full of my eBay buys (bath, Belfast sink, interior doors) all waiting for installation, and everywhere I look all I can see is money to be spent. Money that I don't have.
Who are these people that go on programmes like Location Location & Grand Designs?
"Yes we only have a budget of £450,000, but could go up to £500k if we fell in love with something" Piss off. Five grand and my flat would be done!
I wonder what a kidney is worth on the black market these days?
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God I know what you mean about those programs - where the hell do they find all these people ? I can't understand what they think the vast majority of viewers are possibley going to gain from watching.
I console myself that they're just actors and the whole thing is a sham designed to make everyone feel inadequate.
And even if they aren't - they're clearly gits who no doubt have a circle of equally loathsome friends.
There, I feel much better now.
"Simon has a job-in-the-city, while Rachel has just quit her marketing job to pursue he first love of jewellery making" is usually about as much explanation as we get regarding the financial stability of this weeks contestants in "Get off my land" or whatever its called. I'm guessing they forget to mention that she was also an extremely successful escort for some very kinky Arab clients and he has had his hand in the till for the best part of his career. People like that need nice houses, it's not like anyone is gonna invite them out is it?
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