All laundry in the house done?
Check
All washing up done (including objects from bedrooms / bathrooms)?
Check
All plants watered?
Check
All rooms vacuumed?
Check
All rooms polished?
Check
All emails replied to?
Check
All bins emptied?
Check
Has the oven been cleaned?
Check
So basically that's everything in my flat spick and span which means the only thing I have left to do is my goddamn essay.......
hmmm I wonder if any of my neighbours has a dog that needs walking........
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Monday, March 13, 2006
Diet Snickers
..in another one of my competitive moments I entered the London Half Marathon Silverstone http://www.tophalfmarathons.co.uk/ (yes 13.1 miles).
It's ages and ages away, I'll be super fit by then.
It was ages and ages away.......
I'm not super fit...
I think I may cry this sunday when I am at the start line.....
I think I should stay away from my p.c. when drunk......
I think therefore I'm ham......
It's ages and ages away, I'll be super fit by then.
It was ages and ages away.......
I'm not super fit...
I think I may cry this sunday when I am at the start line.....
I think I should stay away from my p.c. when drunk......
I think therefore I'm ham......
Sunday, March 05, 2006
God's Waiting Room
Saturday morning bastard hangover......
8am
"Quick wake up!! There are some men in the garden" - we know we warned you last night they were coming to do some work and asked that you didn't wake us
8.30am
"Is my new duvet in the back of the car?" - Of course you just handed it to me
8.35am
"Have you seen my walking stick?" - it's probably where we hid it because you really dont need it
8.40am
"How long do you think it will take?" - an hour and a half like it always done and always will do
8.41am
"Are you taking the M3 then the M25?" - yes because that is the way we always go
8.45am
"Can I have a cup of tea before we leave?" - am I really likely to say no?
8.46am
"Do you want a cup of tea?" - No, because I have never drunk tea in my life and have no desire to start today
8.47am
"Are you really only having a cigarette for your breakfast?" - Yes, it's part of my balanced diet along with beer and steak
8.50am
"Do you think you'll get back in time to meet your builders?" - yes because I intend to drive at a steady 90mph
8.55am
"I wonder what state my place will be in" - exactly the same as when you left it three weeks ago because you live on your own
9am
"Clare can you help me do my seatbelt up?" - I can but I am not Clare that's the other granddaughter - she's white
9.01am
"I love a good natter" - I know that's why I have turned up Radio 4 for the journey.
I love my grandmother, she can actually be a complete hoot. As my cousin had performed the annual "granny comes to stay" it was only fair that I did the driving her back down to the glorious St Leonards-on-Sea? St Leonards-By-the-Sea? Fog-on-the-tyne?
Let's just call it God's waiting room.
Apart from anything else when she goes I want first dibbs on the elasticated waist beige slacks and the electric wheelchair.
8am
"Quick wake up!! There are some men in the garden" - we know we warned you last night they were coming to do some work and asked that you didn't wake us
8.30am
"Is my new duvet in the back of the car?" - Of course you just handed it to me
8.35am
"Have you seen my walking stick?" - it's probably where we hid it because you really dont need it
8.40am
"How long do you think it will take?" - an hour and a half like it always done and always will do
8.41am
"Are you taking the M3 then the M25?" - yes because that is the way we always go
8.45am
"Can I have a cup of tea before we leave?" - am I really likely to say no?
8.46am
"Do you want a cup of tea?" - No, because I have never drunk tea in my life and have no desire to start today
8.47am
"Are you really only having a cigarette for your breakfast?" - Yes, it's part of my balanced diet along with beer and steak
8.50am
"Do you think you'll get back in time to meet your builders?" - yes because I intend to drive at a steady 90mph
8.55am
"I wonder what state my place will be in" - exactly the same as when you left it three weeks ago because you live on your own
9am
"Clare can you help me do my seatbelt up?" - I can but I am not Clare that's the other granddaughter - she's white
9.01am
"I love a good natter" - I know that's why I have turned up Radio 4 for the journey.
I love my grandmother, she can actually be a complete hoot. As my cousin had performed the annual "granny comes to stay" it was only fair that I did the driving her back down to the glorious St Leonards-on-Sea? St Leonards-By-the-Sea? Fog-on-the-tyne?
Let's just call it God's waiting room.
Apart from anything else when she goes I want first dibbs on the elasticated waist beige slacks and the electric wheelchair.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Hmmmmm...
....lovely.....slurp....hmm....so sweet...
Hmmm...salivating.....so soft........so squishy.......so sugary
Hmmmm......chew....chew....chew....CRUNCH....
What the fuck......
.......spit out piece of tooth and carry on eating toffo's
......class in a glass me..........
Hmmm...salivating.....so soft........so squishy.......so sugary
Hmmmm......chew....chew....chew....CRUNCH....
What the fuck......
.......spit out piece of tooth and carry on eating toffo's
......class in a glass me..........
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I Got This Email This Morning.......
Rampaging Muslims - a different point of view
We wake up this morning to see video on CNN showing rampaging Muslims
around the world. In Europe, the Middle East, the Pacific Rim ... Muslim Mobs spreading mayhem. It seems that these mighty mad Muslims are rioting and firing their ever-present AK-47s into the air because of cartoons. Yup ... this latest epidemic of Muslim outrage comes to us because some newspapers in Norway and Denmark published some cartoons depicting Mohammed.
Admit it, this turban/bomb thing could be the next big fashion hit on the Muslim street!
Muslim outrage huh. OK .. let's do a little historical review. Just some lowlights:
Muslims fly commercial airliners into buildings in New York City. No Muslim outrage.
Muslim officials block the exit where school girls are trying to escape a burning building because their faces were exposed. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims cut off the heads of three teenaged girls on their way to school in Indonesia. A Christian school. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims murder teachers trying to teach Muslim children in Iraq. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims murder over 80 tourists with car bombs outside cafes and hotels in Egypt. No Muslim outrage.
A Muslim attacks a missionary children's school in India. Kills six. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims slaughter hundreds of children and teachers in Beslan, Russia. Muslims shoot children in the back. No Muslim outrage.
Let's go way back. Muslims kidnap and kill athletes at the Munich Summer Olympics. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims fire rocket-propelled grenades into schools full of children in Israel. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims murder more than 50 commuters in attacks on London subways and busses.
Over 700 are injured. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims massacre dozens of innocents at a Passover Seder. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims murder innocent vacationers in Bali. No Muslim outrage.
Muslim newspapers publish anti-Semitic cartoons. No Muslim outrage
Muslims are involved, on one side or the other, in almost every one of the 125+ shooting wars around the world. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims beat the charred bodies of Western civilians with their shoes, then hang them from a bridge. No Muslim outrage.
Newspapers in Denmark and Norway publish cartoons depicting
Mohammed. Muslims are outraged.
Dead children. Dead tourists. Dead teachers. Dead doctors and nurses.
Death, destruction and mayhem around the world at the hands of Muslims
... no Muslim outrage ... but publish a cartoon depicting Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and all hell breaks loose.
Come on, is this really about cartoons? They're rampaging and burning flags.
They're looking for Europeans to kidnap. They're threatening
innkeepers and generally raising holy Muslim hell not because of any outrage over a cartoon.
They're outraged because it is part of the Islamic jihadist culture to be outraged.
You don't really need a reason. You just need an excuse. Wandering around, destroying property, murdering children, firing guns into the air and feigning outrage over the slightest perceived insult is to a jihadist what tailgating is to a Steeler's fan.
I know and understand that these bloodthirsty murderers do not represent
the majority of the world's Muslims. When, though, do they become outraged? When do they take to the streets to express their outrage at the radicals who are making their religion the object of worldwide hatred and ridicule? Islamic writer Salman Rushdie wrote of these silent Muslims in a New York Times article three years ago. "As their ancient, deeply civilized culture of love, art and philosophical reflection is hijacked by paranoiacs, racists, liars, male supremacists, tyrants, fanatics and violence junkies, why are they not screaming?"
Indeed. Why not?
oooh dunno what came over me then, I went all serious......
We wake up this morning to see video on CNN showing rampaging Muslims
around the world. In Europe, the Middle East, the Pacific Rim ... Muslim Mobs spreading mayhem. It seems that these mighty mad Muslims are rioting and firing their ever-present AK-47s into the air because of cartoons. Yup ... this latest epidemic of Muslim outrage comes to us because some newspapers in Norway and Denmark published some cartoons depicting Mohammed.
Admit it, this turban/bomb thing could be the next big fashion hit on the Muslim street!
Muslim outrage huh. OK .. let's do a little historical review. Just some lowlights:
Muslims fly commercial airliners into buildings in New York City. No Muslim outrage.
Muslim officials block the exit where school girls are trying to escape a burning building because their faces were exposed. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims cut off the heads of three teenaged girls on their way to school in Indonesia. A Christian school. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims murder teachers trying to teach Muslim children in Iraq. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims murder over 80 tourists with car bombs outside cafes and hotels in Egypt. No Muslim outrage.
A Muslim attacks a missionary children's school in India. Kills six. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims slaughter hundreds of children and teachers in Beslan, Russia. Muslims shoot children in the back. No Muslim outrage.
Let's go way back. Muslims kidnap and kill athletes at the Munich Summer Olympics. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims fire rocket-propelled grenades into schools full of children in Israel. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims murder more than 50 commuters in attacks on London subways and busses.
Over 700 are injured. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims massacre dozens of innocents at a Passover Seder. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims murder innocent vacationers in Bali. No Muslim outrage.
Muslim newspapers publish anti-Semitic cartoons. No Muslim outrage
Muslims are involved, on one side or the other, in almost every one of the 125+ shooting wars around the world. No Muslim outrage.
Muslims beat the charred bodies of Western civilians with their shoes, then hang them from a bridge. No Muslim outrage.
Newspapers in Denmark and Norway publish cartoons depicting
Mohammed. Muslims are outraged.
Dead children. Dead tourists. Dead teachers. Dead doctors and nurses.
Death, destruction and mayhem around the world at the hands of Muslims
... no Muslim outrage ... but publish a cartoon depicting Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and all hell breaks loose.
Come on, is this really about cartoons? They're rampaging and burning flags.
They're looking for Europeans to kidnap. They're threatening
innkeepers and generally raising holy Muslim hell not because of any outrage over a cartoon.
They're outraged because it is part of the Islamic jihadist culture to be outraged.
You don't really need a reason. You just need an excuse. Wandering around, destroying property, murdering children, firing guns into the air and feigning outrage over the slightest perceived insult is to a jihadist what tailgating is to a Steeler's fan.
I know and understand that these bloodthirsty murderers do not represent
the majority of the world's Muslims. When, though, do they become outraged? When do they take to the streets to express their outrage at the radicals who are making their religion the object of worldwide hatred and ridicule? Islamic writer Salman Rushdie wrote of these silent Muslims in a New York Times article three years ago. "As their ancient, deeply civilized culture of love, art and philosophical reflection is hijacked by paranoiacs, racists, liars, male supremacists, tyrants, fanatics and violence junkies, why are they not screaming?"
Indeed. Why not?
oooh dunno what came over me then, I went all serious......
Friday, February 17, 2006
Come 2012.....
..I wont be getting ready to take the podium and sing God Save the Queen.
We headed off to Glenshee today for a spot of snowboarding (the way you do). I say it like it's a regular occurance rather than the second time in my 34 years on this expensive planet.
It was rather good, I have a fair sense of balance, I can rollerblade, I can surf and I can walk in a straight line, I was managing to head down the slope without going ass over tit and I have to say I was feeling rather pleased with myself working my way down the piste and then walking back up because I just cannot work the sodding ski-lift things that go bewteen your legs.........
"Come on, take a photo of me on the way down" I say to the BF
This is the one he took........................
...yeah thanks for that........
We headed off to Glenshee today for a spot of snowboarding (the way you do). I say it like it's a regular occurance rather than the second time in my 34 years on this expensive planet.
It was rather good, I have a fair sense of balance, I can rollerblade, I can surf and I can walk in a straight line, I was managing to head down the slope without going ass over tit and I have to say I was feeling rather pleased with myself working my way down the piste and then walking back up because I just cannot work the sodding ski-lift things that go bewteen your legs.........
"Come on, take a photo of me on the way down" I say to the BF
This is the one he took........................
...yeah thanks for that........
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Have you seen....
...Bareback Mountain or whatever it is called? The new homo-erotic cowboy movie (how many oxymorons?)
Anyway as far as I could tell there was too much cowboy and not enough homo-erotic, my sister agreed the BF did not and kept his head down (tee hee) and played ebay on his own (oh god I've gone all Sid James) on the laptop.
Jarhead...nice...lots of young men running around in the desert with no tops on...hmmm....I think I need to take a moment..........
....thank you......
......and that concludes my Film 2006 movie review
Anyway as far as I could tell there was too much cowboy and not enough homo-erotic, my sister agreed the BF did not and kept his head down (tee hee) and played ebay on his own (oh god I've gone all Sid James) on the laptop.
Jarhead...nice...lots of young men running around in the desert with no tops on...hmmm....I think I need to take a moment..........
....thank you......
......and that concludes my Film 2006 movie review
Saturday, January 28, 2006
No I dont...
....want a 'bigger penis'
..nor do I want to see XXX hot teens in action....even if they are 'barely legal' . Does that mean they only have one tyre on the yellow line?
....and strangely I've never been drawn to 'buff boys get it up to the elbow'......well not very drawn to it anyway......
But still I get these amazing offers in my inbox (no pun intended) everyday.
Where are the offers of "hot pies delivered free to your door" or "bigger overdraft....no charge" or even "save your elbow grease we'll come round and do your hosuework"
I guess it doesn't quite have the same ring to it does it? But it would have me hooked on a lonely Saturday night. hmmmm pies.....
......as the BF's dad says...there's a lot of rubbish on the interweb............
..nor do I want to see XXX hot teens in action....even if they are 'barely legal' . Does that mean they only have one tyre on the yellow line?
....and strangely I've never been drawn to 'buff boys get it up to the elbow'......well not very drawn to it anyway......
But still I get these amazing offers in my inbox (no pun intended) everyday.
Where are the offers of "hot pies delivered free to your door" or "bigger overdraft....no charge" or even "save your elbow grease we'll come round and do your hosuework"
I guess it doesn't quite have the same ring to it does it? But it would have me hooked on a lonely Saturday night. hmmmm pies.....
......as the BF's dad says...there's a lot of rubbish on the interweb............
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