No I dont...

....want a 'bigger penis'

..nor do I want to see XXX hot teens in action....even if they are 'barely legal' . Does that mean they only have one tyre on the yellow line?

....and strangely I've never been drawn to 'buff boys get it up to the elbow'......well not very drawn to it anyway......

But still I get these amazing offers in my inbox (no pun intended) everyday.

Where are the offers of "hot pies delivered free to your door" or "bigger overdraft....no charge" or even "save your elbow grease we'll come round and do your hosuework"

I guess it doesn't quite have the same ring to it does it? But it would have me hooked on a lonely Saturday night. hmmmm pies.....

......as the BF's dad says...there's a lot of rubbish on the interweb............

After Much...

....in depth discussion with the BF. I have come to the conclusion that for me ....................


.........the ultimate

3-some mixed sex session for me would be with Angelina Jolie & Bradd Pitt.........

3-some same sex Johnny Depp & Skeet Ulritch.................

3-some all same sex session Angelina Jolie & her cloned twin..........

the ultimate girl on girl action would be with.......Angeline Jolie.............


hang on I see a pattern here...................

Today I....

...fell over.

It was outside

It was next to a queue of traffic

It was next to road builder guys that are digging holes in the south circular.

It wasn't even a good fall, no arms flailing and giant comic lunges. No.

It was trip, stumble and splat.

I had to take a moment sitting on the church wall, pretending I had hurt myself, until the traffic moved and I could carry on running.

I think I got away with it..................

And now it's Newsnight with Jeremy Paxton........

George Galloway...name dropping, homo kissing, bathrobe wearing patronising smug fucker

Pete Burns.....wig wearing, gorilla killing, shoe gluing guppy face....seriously Simon Weston doesn't look as bad as he does

Denis Rodman.......dur...dur....dur "wanna fuck a black man"....dur...dur...dur..."London people are assholes" Oh. Really? No we are just assholes to twats

Michael 'tell me they still love me dahling' Barrymore....you winging, finger pointing (at least he wasn't fisting this time) foot shuffling cry baby bunting. Maybe you should have gone for a swim in your pool instead...............

Rula Lenska.......spineless

Black Baywatch woman......."I'm gonna move to London"..."we should all try to get along"....earth calling......

Chantelle....never thought I'd say it but this blonde 20 something from Essex is about one of the sanest in there.....

White Man with glasses...... WHO ARE YOU?

Jodie Marsh......I actually hope she wins....seriously, unless I have missed something that the rest of the world has seen, everytime I switch on all I see is a bunch of old men pointing their fingers and shouting at her. What is that all about?


And that concludes my analysis of the current politcal climate.

You know how....

....sometimes you can have a bad week / month / year / moment?

And you know how sometimes when this happens you see something it could be a message from God /Buddah / Allah/ KIT from Knight Rider / Jehovah / Selasi that makes you realise that actually you're ok.


Well here's one that was sent by the the almighty last week when I was suffering a leeettle bit from PMT (you probably didn't notice I hide it so well)

Made me laugh anyway.............mankini's really is there anyting worse?

Enya....

.....genius or complete shite?

No really I can't tell.

All I know is that she's got another bloody album release called Ameretti Biscuit or something.

As far as I can see she simply re arranges the track order and releases the same 12 droaning banshyee on ketamine 'songs'

Is she the Andrew Ridley of dinner party music? Ridley was, after all, the ultimate pop-star...couldn't play a note and had no talent, he simply jumped around looking good (look it was the 80's 'flicks' perma-tan and pastel clothing was a good look) made a mint then buggered off to the land of King Arthur with a third of Bananarama.

I didn't mean that last line to rhyme.


Time to head off and play a friday night game of ebay...........

My iPod ....

.....sucks cock in hell.....my car is the son of a crack-whore....my bank balance is as full as an Ethiopians picnic hamper........my flat is as warm and welcoming as Margret Thatchers cunt.



I'm having a bad week. Can you tell? Oh yes and my friend called me yesterday to tell me her mothers husband has killed himself.


Arsewank.

I'm on my way out to buy lots of cakes I'm then gonna return home get into bed read and eat them. If I encounter one person who says

"Cheer up it might never happen"

or

"You look like you lost a tenner and found a quid"

or

"Think of those people worse off than you"


I shall stab them in the eye with a bath sponge (i'm not really very good at violence)


Have a nice day everyone....................

I'm worried...

...about The Son.

He has 'discovered' Little Britain and finds it hilarious. As I sit here typing and waiting for our supper of steak pie and mash to cook he is stood in the middle of the sitting room hand on hip announcing "I am the only gay in the village..." Is he trying to tell me something? Is he the only gay in the village?



Who knows, I fear he is going through a bit of a strange faze at the moment we spent the whole walk home from school with him asking what the best method was for contacting spirits. He has decided that mediation is probably best and is now sat crossed legged in the middle of the sitting room with a candle in front of him. He did just ask how he will know when they have contacted him. Er....a polite cough? A gentle tap on the shoulder?



I cant wait for the teenage years when the hormones really kick in........