You know how....

....sometimes you can have a bad week / month / year / moment?

And you know how sometimes when this happens you see something it could be a message from God /Buddah / Allah/ KIT from Knight Rider / Jehovah / Selasi that makes you realise that actually you're ok.


Well here's one that was sent by the the almighty last week when I was suffering a leeettle bit from PMT (you probably didn't notice I hide it so well)

Made me laugh anyway.............mankini's really is there anyting worse?

Enya....

.....genius or complete shite?

No really I can't tell.

All I know is that she's got another bloody album release called Ameretti Biscuit or something.

As far as I can see she simply re arranges the track order and releases the same 12 droaning banshyee on ketamine 'songs'

Is she the Andrew Ridley of dinner party music? Ridley was, after all, the ultimate pop-star...couldn't play a note and had no talent, he simply jumped around looking good (look it was the 80's 'flicks' perma-tan and pastel clothing was a good look) made a mint then buggered off to the land of King Arthur with a third of Bananarama.

I didn't mean that last line to rhyme.


Time to head off and play a friday night game of ebay...........

My iPod ....

.....sucks cock in hell.....my car is the son of a crack-whore....my bank balance is as full as an Ethiopians picnic hamper........my flat is as warm and welcoming as Margret Thatchers cunt.



I'm having a bad week. Can you tell? Oh yes and my friend called me yesterday to tell me her mothers husband has killed himself.


Arsewank.

I'm on my way out to buy lots of cakes I'm then gonna return home get into bed read and eat them. If I encounter one person who says

"Cheer up it might never happen"

or

"You look like you lost a tenner and found a quid"

or

"Think of those people worse off than you"


I shall stab them in the eye with a bath sponge (i'm not really very good at violence)


Have a nice day everyone....................

I'm worried...

...about The Son.

He has 'discovered' Little Britain and finds it hilarious. As I sit here typing and waiting for our supper of steak pie and mash to cook he is stood in the middle of the sitting room hand on hip announcing "I am the only gay in the village..." Is he trying to tell me something? Is he the only gay in the village?



Who knows, I fear he is going through a bit of a strange faze at the moment we spent the whole walk home from school with him asking what the best method was for contacting spirits. He has decided that mediation is probably best and is now sat crossed legged in the middle of the sitting room with a candle in front of him. He did just ask how he will know when they have contacted him. Er....a polite cough? A gentle tap on the shoulder?



I cant wait for the teenage years when the hormones really kick in........

I've had...

...bird flu.

No really, it wasn't just flu it was bird flu and it was baaaaad. I have to say it was bird flu 'cause then that would make it a three.... A three? Yes so far this year I have had Bells Palsy (soooo not a good look for a woman) then whilst I had that I broke my leg. So I ended up hobbling around on cruches with half my face hanging around my chin.

All people could say to me was "well you know they come in three's" Piss off arsewanks.

I missed the Brighton 10k run, yes I am still running. But having spent a week in bed I decided to do a 5k last sunday (nike run london one). Did it in 32 minutes and 14 seconds.

Man I'm like a.....a......what am I like? Oh yeah I know I'm like a fucking fucktard because I've just entered the Flora 1/2 marathon in March. Why did I enter it? Dunno really I think because I got board playing on ebay.

Right I'm off to make sausage and mash with onion gravy, followed by rhubarb crumble.

I might need an electric wheelchair for the 1/2 marathon..............

It’s Art innit?

I’ve had a friend visiting this weekend up from Somerset…….yes the temptation is there to sing I’ve got a brand new combine harvester…………but we don’t…she’s originally from Yorkshire…..but interestingly she doesn’t own a flat cap…hmmm

I digress

Yesterday we decided to go up to South Bank arguably the best spot in London for a wee Saturday afternoon walk and ended up at the Tate Modern. Nice bit of art on a Saturday afternoon……bit of culcha and all that.

WTF people can literally get away with anything in the name of art….I love the explanations next to each piece…..

Artist: Boris Fuckyouover, Title: explorations of the mind…….er….hang on……..no it’s not it’s two plastic brains one of which has a hammer sticking out of it………..

Artist: Jemima Puddleduck, Title: embankment……..no it’s 4000 white plastic boxes piled up that look like a factory warehouse….twats………

As for Pablo Fucking Picasso……………no really………….Title: Woman with necklace crying……………..yes she’s crying because she’s seen the fucking painting you’ve done of her…..what you cant draw curves? Do you really have to do every painting with a ruler and set-square? Twat. I hate Picasso………….but it appears I am the only one, for sat on the floor in front of each one with HUGE sheets of paper and some crayola crayons was some unwashed, multi-coloured scarf wearing, knit your own sandals, arse lovingly copying his ‘master piece’.

I swear it was like the Emperors New Clothes with some of it…… men with corduroy jackets and stroking their little beards ‘hmming’ and talking to grey haired, flowing skirts women about the depth of the ‘installations’ Twats.

I quite enjoyed sitting out on the Balcony on the 2nd floor having a fag and looking out at night time London though…………...that’s art innit?

In The Industry I Now....

.....work in people have what's known as 'breakthroughs' or 'moments of clarity' well as I sit here I too have just had one.

I have realized just how lazy.....no no no....just how energy efficient I can be.

There's a load going round in the tumble dryer that have been washed and dried three times.

Is this because of my 'super woman' complex?.....noooooooo

Is this because I have some sort of out of proportion / OCD disorder relating to germs?....noooooo

Is this because the whites were just not white enough?.....nooooo

Nope, none of the above. It's because I keep forgetting to take the clothes out of the dryer and so they sit in there and get creased to fuck, so what do I do? I put them back into the washing machine then dry them JUST so I don't have to do any ironing.

And the winner of this year Domestic Goddess Award goes to........................

Who is....

...rachel? Hmm? Who is she?

Well I don't know either, but I have had a piece of paper with 'Rachel' and a telephone number sitting on my kitchen table for about 6 months.

Every now and then I raise my right fist into the air with a defiant cry of "I shall reclaim my kitchen table" so I clear the piles of 'to be dealt with' mail (when I say clear I mean put them into a pile next to the p.c. in another room)..........

........... I gather up the ever increasing pile of 'waiting to be paired' socks (yeah I gather them up and throw them away because I'm sick of waiting for the others to appear)............

.............I show no mercy to Action Man nor Dr X as I fearlessly snatch them up (mid-battle) and throw them into the Son's bedroom.........

....and there it is...the note......in my hand writing with the name 'Rachel' and a sodding telephone number.......


Do I throw it away? No


Do I 141 and call it? That would be too easy


No, instead what I do is say (to anyone or no-one) Who the hell is Rachel? Then I place it back on the table , under the fruit bowl, and leave it to put a bit of excitement into my life another day.



I had a life once.................