How do you know

…when a relationship has ended?


It’s easier to spot when you are younger, you know Colin Johnson no longer plays with you in the sandpit; Lilly Peak is now the object of his 3 year old affection and get’s to share his worm collection. Or during Geography Jason Smith in 5c passes a note to Gummy, who passes a note to Tommo, who passes a note to Stacey Hardy to say you’re dumped……


In adulthood you can have The Screaming Match “I hate you!!”, The Talk “Look it’s not you it’s me”, The Adulterer “This isn’t what it looks like”, The Moonlight Flit “The coast is clear, back up the removals van”…….and then there’s, well there’s the I don’t know what you’d call it.


Does it have a title? Perhaps The Superiority Break-up? When Person 1 (let’s call them P1) takes umbrage at everything the other says (P2). P1 then goes into a sulk ignoring P2 for weeks on end will not answer phone, ignores P2’s emails and generally behaves a bullying child. P1 will only begin to resume relations if P2 takes all the blame, P1 will never initiate contact unless coaxed round in the style of trying to get a toddler to take their medicine……


So what do you do? How much should P2 take? How much would anybody take? Does P2 live in hope that P1 will revert back to their normal loving funny caring persona before P1’s illness? Or does P2 cut their losses, deal with the pain and move on?



I’m off to find a sandpit…………….

Think of A Swear Word…..

…..now double it. Add 100, then times it by infinity and you know what?


You are still no closer to the amount of swear words I have said today.

“Got your school bag?”

“Yep”

“Right into the car”

CRUNCH! – That’s was the sound of three of my fingers getting crushed in the front door.

Now go back to the swear word sum at the start of the post, but to complete the image picture grown woman hoping around front garden kicking dustbins over clutching her hand with blood spraying all over the fence

“What have you done mum?”

Mother provides child with death stare, mother drives child to school with blood dripping all over gear stick and steering wheel. Mother returns home, get’s out of car, locks car, goes to front door, realises she has left front door key on the kitchen work surface and is now locked out. Bins receive another good kicking.



Go back to the swearing sum at the start of the post

Better Than Sheep So I'm Told...............

It was a beautiful day, I decided to do some revision in my badk garden (see - sunbathing with a book and a beer). Phone rings


"What are you doing?"

"I'm laying in my garden. Why?"

"We're filming in Soho could you come up and be interviewd by a Maradona puppet?"

"You on drugs?"

"No! It's for the website. How quickly can you get here?"

I looked down at my golden body lazing in the sunshine bronzed to perfection..........sorry no I looked around at the green peace rescue mission and thought bugger it.

"Give me half and hour, I'll have to cycle"

And cycle I did all the way.......................to the the station (1/4 of a mile...ahem) got off at London Bridge, got into trouble for not having a train ticket, then I cycled in a style that Lance Armstrong would have been proud of. I nipped over the Thames, I raced along Embankment, I darted up the The Strand I weaved in and out of the pedestrians on Charing Cross Road and I arrived in Soho a little 'glowy' for my liking but nevertheless I was there.

"If you could just sit here please Me, we're ready to shoot"

It was fun, the crew were lovely, the director was lovely, there was free beer, I had great fun. The interview went well. Really well. Right up until the point when I said

"No I've never shagged an alpaca. Maybe I will....."

Sunday morning is the new Friday night

So what started out last August as a simple and curious ‘I wonder if I can run a 10k’ has, like most progressive illnesses gradually become a much larger part of my life.

I just wanted to see if, you know, I could do it. I had a take it or leave it attitude to it; it was just a bit of fun, it’s not like I was hurting anybody was I? So I finished my first 10k in the October of 2005, came home on a high, wore my medal for days on end, refused to reset my stopwatch as it had my first time on it, blogged every last detail, began every sentence with “when I ran a 10k….”

You get the idea right?

But there was more to come as I discovered the interweb had all these sites dedicated to running, pictures of runners running, forums where you could talk to other runners AND, more importantly, some of these sites listed times and locations of where you could meet up with other runners in person – ‘races’ if you will. No real names where used; people went by names such as ‘Marathon Man’ and ‘Blisters’.

All you needed was a credit card and details of the ‘race’ would be given to you along with a number. I thought I’d try a 5k, then another, then another, then another 10k. At this stage I was only on one a month. You see? Take it or leave it that was my attitude. Like I said, it’s progressive. Then one day on one of the forums, someone asked me if I wanted to meet up with some of them before the ‘race’. What harm could it do? We met up, we ran, we hung out afterwards.

There was a half marathon coming up, was I going to run it? One of them asked, whilst the others looked on expectantly. Am I ready for that? Yeah, why not. No harm in trying things once right? That was 6 weeks ago, I’ve done two since then plus another 10k yesterday.


Since August 2005, when I first came across the details for that first race, I’ve been fitted for proper running trainers, I’ve become the proud owner of a Garmin 301, I’ve learnt to pepper my conversation with things like PB’s, carb loading, half, full and ultra,

….I’ve discovered many uses for Vaseline, I’ve chaffed in bizarre places when I’ve forgotten to use said Vaseline, I picked up clothing from the bedroom floor sniffed it and thought “yeah that’ll do to run in”, gel to me is something with the consistency of snot that will help me run, not something for hair….


……..I chosen to sit in a bath filled only with cold water whilst nearly crying, I’ve seen hill’s and thought “I can take that” I’ve chosen to spend more Sunday morning’s than not over the last few months standing at the crack of dawn shivering with hundreds of other people waiting for someone to sound a fog-horn so I can run around a pre-determined route….that’s 5x5k’s 3x10k’s and two half marathons. For fun.

My name is Me and I’m a regular recreational runner……

Body like a temple....

....no not a temple of doom, actually.

As I sit here on this sunday afternoon, legs burning, covered in....er.....'glow' I can reflect on the fact that having been up since 6am this morning, and having driven an 85 mile round trip I also managed to pop in a little half marathon.


Yes today I completely my first half

2 hours

38 minutes

13.1 miles

It was fantastic.


To the people of Reading I say thank you, thanks for all the great cheers, thank you to the vaseline women (you dont want to know), thank you to the people outside their house playing 'eye of the tiger' at mile 9, thank you to the toddlers banging wooden spoons on saucepans, thank you to the guy that offered me his beer at mile 10 ( i didn't take it god know I wanted to) and finally thank you to the two women at the start who came up to me and said "which way are we running".

For the record the elite runners (those who finish in silly times like 1 hour 10 etc) start at the front and there are markers along the starting line for your expected finish time. I started at the back (the 2hour plus people) along with all the other mums, grey hairs and fatties...so for those two women to ask which way the race was running.......

...on the plus side at least I didn't get beaten by a one legged man like I did for my last race.


Like I said, my body is a temple.

Martha Stewart

All laundry in the house done?

Check

All washing up done (including objects from bedrooms / bathrooms)?

Check

All plants watered?

Check

All rooms vacuumed?

Check

All rooms polished?

Check

All emails replied to?

Check

All bins emptied?

Check

Has the oven been cleaned?

Check

So basically that's everything in my flat spick and span which means the only thing I have left to do is my goddamn essay.......

hmmm I wonder if any of my neighbours has a dog that needs walking........

Diet Snickers

..in another one of my competitive moments I entered the London Half Marathon Silverstone http://www.tophalfmarathons.co.uk/ (yes 13.1 miles).

It's ages and ages away, I'll be super fit by then.

It was ages and ages away.......

I'm not super fit...

I think I may cry this sunday when I am at the start line.....

I think I should stay away from my p.c. when drunk......

I think therefore I'm ham......

God's Waiting Room

Saturday morning bastard hangover......

8am
"Quick wake up!! There are some men in the garden" - we know we warned you last night they were coming to do some work and asked that you didn't wake us

8.30am
"Is my new duvet in the back of the car?" - Of course you just handed it to me

8.35am
"Have you seen my walking stick?" - it's probably where we hid it because you really dont need it

8.40am
"How long do you think it will take?" - an hour and a half like it always done and always will do

8.41am
"Are you taking the M3 then the M25?" - yes because that is the way we always go

8.45am
"Can I have a cup of tea before we leave?" - am I really likely to say no?

8.46am
"Do you want a cup of tea?" - No, because I have never drunk tea in my life and have no desire to start today

8.47am
"Are you really only having a cigarette for your breakfast?" - Yes, it's part of my balanced diet along with beer and steak

8.50am
"Do you think you'll get back in time to meet your builders?" - yes because I intend to drive at a steady 90mph

8.55am
"I wonder what state my place will be in" - exactly the same as when you left it three weeks ago because you live on your own


9am
"Clare can you help me do my seatbelt up?" - I can but I am not Clare that's the other granddaughter - she's white

9.01am
"I love a good natter" - I know that's why I have turned up Radio 4 for the journey.


I love my grandmother, she can actually be a complete hoot. As my cousin had performed the annual "granny comes to stay" it was only fair that I did the driving her back down to the glorious St Leonards-on-Sea? St Leonards-By-the-Sea? Fog-on-the-tyne?

Let's just call it God's waiting room.

Apart from anything else when she goes I want first dibbs on the elasticated waist beige slacks and the electric wheelchair.